MEN, PLEASE PRESERVE YOURSELF

There are some stories that make you pause because they expose something deeper than the event itself. I have spent time thinking deeply about this one and still struggling to understand how someone can buy his own death with the love of his life beside him.

A Nigerian man was recently reported to have died after undergoing a penis enlargement procedure. The details are tragic enough on their own, but what struck me was not merely the procedure. What struck me was the insecurity that may sit quietly behind many decisions men make every day in their attempt to feel enough.

We have rightly spoken for years about women who have lost their lives trying to reshape their bodies to meet beauty standards, impress men or compete with impossible images. We have warned women about dangerous cosmetic procedures, social pressure, unrealistic expectations and the emotional consequences of living as though their bodies must constantly be upgraded before they can feel desirable.

But I think there is another conversation we have not had enough. It is the conversation about men and inadequacy. Men also struggle with the fear of not being enough. They just do not always say it the same way.

A man may never confess that he feels insecure, but he may spend his entire life trying to prove that he is not. He may measure himself by the size of his house, the car he drives, the school his children attend, the kind of holiday his family can afford, the amount of money he gives his wife, his sexual performance, the strength of his body, the number of people who depend on him or the level of respect he commands among other men.

And because masculinity has often been built around performance, many men do not know how to admit that they are tired of performing. They simply continue.

They continue until the body starts protesting. They continue until the debt becomes unbearable. They continue until the marriage begins to suffer. They continue until anxiety becomes anger. They continue until the constant pressure to provide, impress, rescue and outperform everybody around them begins to destroy the very life they are trying to build.

This is why I think men need to have a much more serious conversation about self-care. Not the soft, commercialized version of self-care that reduces everything to spa days, holidays and expensive gadgets.

I am talking about preservation.

The deliberate decision of a man to remain healthy enough, emotionally stable enough, spiritually grounded enough, financially sane enough and relationally present enough to enjoy the life he is working so hard to create. Many men have been raised to believe that sacrifice is the highest proof of love. So they sacrifice sleep, health, peace, friendship, emotional wellbeing and sometimes integrity in order to provide.

And to be clear, there is something noble about responsibility. There is something beautiful about a man who takes care of his family, shows up for his children, supports his wife, helps his parents and carries his responsibilities with dignity.

But there is a point where sacrifice becomes self-erasure.

That is the point where a man begins to believe that everyone in his life matters except him.

The children must be okay | The wife must be okay | The parents must be okay |The extended family must be okay | The business must be okay | The employees must be okay | The church must be okay | The community must be okay.

But nobody asks whether the man carrying all of these things is okay, and sometimes the man himself does not know how to ask. He has learned to function, but not necessarily to feel. He has learned to produce, but not necessarily to preserve himself. He has learned to provide, but not necessarily to receive care.

That is where the problem begins.

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